It is an unusually cold night and the sunrise isn’t far away. Life, true to it’s nature, had changed now. How we are now paves way for what we become then. Seven and a half months ago a foolish decision of youth came to be. My decision to learn the craft and the business of the movies had come to effect. I am now part of a film school, both of us in nascent stages. I was given a chance I asked for and that is what scares the shit out of me, what if I screw up this time as well? What if I don’t live up the challenge and achieve all that I know I can? I feel so lonely. One night overburdened with emotions; I felt like crying. What if I let down my mother and my father and everyone who ever loved me? I don’t want to fail. I want to win. I want to conquer. I want to matter. And that ladies and gentlemen is my truth. My fear.
Now that I am aware of this, I have begun to orient myself accordingly. I am learning, adapting, and most importantly I have started caring. Caring for myself, people all around, my work and theirs, and even the environment! I feel the only thing left to make the equation of my life work is my effort. I have recognized the faults in my approach to life and I have begun to correct the course. Night after night my conviction gets stronger, my vision clearer, and my understanding deepen. Now I like to believe that my fear is my ally, my guiding light. As this cold night comes to rest, making way for the sun to shine.